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Burnin' Blog
March 2nd, 2006 - Recently-released video and transcripts of FEMA video conferences from August 28th
and 29th 2005 show a fully-engaged President Bush challenging Katrina from his Crawford TX ranch to "bring it on".
I don't think anyone anticipated Katrina would accept his challenge.
February 2nd, 2006 - Punxsutawney Phil today saw his own shadow. This predicts that Burnin' Sensations
will have to wait another six weeks before their first gig after a Winter of rehearsals.
July 22nd, 2005 - A news story published today has revealed the long suspected:
New Jersey native Frank "Fair Game" Karasinski has been living in Iowa for more than 15 years as a participant in the
Federal Witness Protection Program. Robert Novak cited "senior administration officials" as sources of his
information. One of these sources, known only as Turd Blossom, commented "Yes, I've heard that, too, but I've
already said too much". Mr. Karasinski responded to our queries with "You think they'd ever look for me here,
out where the potatoes grow? Fagetaboudit. And
f*** you!."
July 2nd, 2005 - A non-invited guest at the recent pool party attempted to starve the fire
of oxygen by repeated calls to the police. The cause for the complaint was rumoured to be battery failure in a
personal household appliance. Invited party guests and policemen responding to the repeated calls
enjoyed the party. Party-goers were collectively referred to by the complainant as
Hillbilly F***tards.
June 1, 2005 - The Burnin' Sensations publicist will soon announce the renaming of the band
to SlipNadas. Our marketing division has opted for the sound-alike band name. Band members were
too stunned to comment on the impending name change. Former Slipnot member, Craig Olson (the one with the mask
and cowboy hat), is expected to accept the name change. Meanwhile, bassist Neil Smith of the Sofa Kings
reports that his mom wears a pair of those [SlipNadas] in the Winter so she won't fall down the driveway.
May 23, 2005 - Frank writes that he is in deep mourning over the loss of his
"other" brother, and fellow band mate, Frank. "I have learned a lot from my 'other' brother Frank and
will miss our midnight wine tasting events." Despite Frank's grief, several five-foot Wookies showed
up to heckle Frank throughout the gig at Olde Main Brewing Co., but they didn't have their Wookie IDs.
They were turned away at the door, otherwise there would have been more another brother done gone.
May 19, 2005 - Members of the famed Burnin' Sensations band were rocked this morning by
simultaneous bouts of dizziness and general melancholy. After assembling at the Hall of Just Us for an
emergency meeting and wine tasting, the Sensations described the event as a Disturbance In the Funk.
Further investigation revealed that missing lead guitarist Frank Karasinski (50) had misled the group,
citing a business trip out of the country. A MSNBC report revealed that Karasinski (photo) had engaged in a light saber
duel with a Wookie-costumed Star Wars afficionado while standing in line for the opening of the Star Wars
"Revenge of the Sith" movie. "I'm kickin' some Wookie ass!", Frank was heard to exclaim just before
being bitch-slapped by a second adversary, who then fatally wounded him with some type of laser device.
A spokesperson for the Burnin' Sensations band stated "We'll sure miss Frank around here. He had really good
taste in wine, he just never learned to watch his back." "He was a very large part of our group" stated Tim Helgeson, drummer
and massage therapist for the group. "Yes, about 1/6 (one Sith)", lisped Ron Carson, bass player, band aromatherapist, and
Yoda look-alike. The rest of the group was unavailable for comment due to "business trips".
In a related story, an 8-year-old girl, defending her 15-year-old Wookie-clad brother in a movie line altercation,
shot and killed an unidentified fellow Star Wars-costumed enthusiast using an Imperial Storm Trooper laser weapon.
This is the first documented case of this type of weapon actually striking and inflicting harm.
May 17, 2005 - Andy relates a story about a very traumatic experience he had as a
pre-teen on a cold December day involving shag carpet, warm wool socks just out of the dryer, a weak
bladder and a very conductive door knob. One minute he was all comfy and warm from the feel of his
own urine and then "POW" he was on the floor looking up at his sister laughing and taking photos to
distribute to all his friends.
May 12, 2005 - The process of selecting new songs has come to a screeching halt.
A filibuster is underway to prevent "Free Bird" from being appointed to the repertoire. There's no room in the
repertoire for such extremist music. "If this sale ends tomorrow, the buy one get one FREE (bird)..."
May 8, 2005 - The local chapter of the ASPCA have dropped their investigation of Burnin'
Sensations vocalist Julie Bruemmer. Their findings confirmed a previous report that reporter Jason Blair's
story on a puppy kicking incident was fraudulent. Some witnesses reported that the puppy was, in fact,
cuddled by Ms. Bruemmer. Dog hairs found on her blue dress tend to confirm this accounting of events. Bruemmer,
dressed in a black leather jacket, refused comment to reporters. It should be noted that puppy hairs do not
readily cling to the jacket, and that Julie looks really bad ass in black leather. The reporter was
apparently barking up the wrong tree.
May 7, 2005 - Allegations continue to fly surrounding Ms. Bruemmer's alleged badness. Friends
were shocked today to learn that an alleged puppy kicking incident probably never happened. Witnesses
to this alleged act of savagery denied any such action, and some made counter allegations that Ms. Bruemmer
had in fact cuddled the puppy she claimed to have kicked.
May 6, 2005 - Burnin' Sensations singer Julie Bruemmer has been dropped from the American
Idol competition after it was revealed that she had no prior arrest record. Ms. Bruemmer was too embarrassed by
the revelation to comment. She can still redeem her reputation with, say, an arson charge. In the meantime, her
lack of badness will dog her every step. Shame!
May 4, 2005 - Burnin' Sensations is taking off the month of May to learn some new songs. The
absence of lead guitarist and Jersey boy, Frank Karasinski, has necessitated the gigging hiatus.
Frank was called out of town to film a New Jersey-themed pilot for HBO, tentatively called "The Falsettos".
The show is reported to be somewhat derivative of another one of their programs, but no one can remember the name.
We expect Frank back in the fold before too long, as the whole project sounds a bit dubious.
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